The barista calls out, “Large, black coffee for Dirk Brandish.” I mosey my way up to the counter and thank the barista for the proper pronunciation of my name and for the expertly poured aforementioned coffee. I retreat into the fog and mist of my locale and head out on my day.
But for the fog and mist, this is a scene that I have encountered nearly a hundred times. However, rarely is my name pronounced properly or even spelled correctly on the cardboard cup. It is as natural to me as using my actual name, but you see, Dirk Brandish and I are one and the same.
He is my alter ego, otherwise known as my coffee shop name. It is more than a name, it is my persona to which I identify if only in my fantasy. Dirk is strikingly handsome in a rugged weathered type of way. He is 6 feet 2 inches tall and built like a wedge waiting to be put into action. In other words, he is everything that I am not and for these brief encounters, I can embody him if only in my mind.
Dirk was born out of the realization that I would never grow to be as big as my late brother. What you see is my full height. I would never be as fearless as Dirk in real life, and I longed for an escape even if that meant it was only for a few moments in a Starbucks in an urban area. That is enough for me.
I needed a way to overcome my own insecurities, limitations, and boyish good looks, to become a better, stronger, taller, more handsome version of myself. I can’t expect anyone (but myself) to understand this, but I have often been asked about the name and its association with my social media presence.
It began in college, around the time that I resigned myself to my limited stature. I toyed with the name Dash Riprock. I used it occasionally and with no great success in bars as I introduced myself to a young woman with big hair to which I may have been attracted. With the boldness of the name, I approached with the line, “I’m Dash Riprock, talent scout for Star Search ’86.” You may remember the program from the 80’s in which normal people were discovered for their talent and beauty. At least that’s the way I remember it. This alter ego provided me with sufficient bravado to approach young ladies who were way out of my league, with the success that you can probably imagine.
This is before I wore glasses and my feeble attempt at facial hair was a dismal failure. I looked like a fetus who was also going through puberty. Since I had no success with the name, I presumed it was due to the almost cartoonish sound of it. That had to be it. I noodled this around a bit before settling on Dirk Brandish once and for all. That was over 35 years ago and we have enjoyed a pretty good run.
Before you go thinking that I am addled in some way, I can assure you that as of this writing, I have all of my mental capacities (at least all that I am going to have). Don’t dismiss this notion of an alter ego, but rather consider your own coffee shop name. And it’s not exclusively for coffee shops, it comes in handy for restaurant reservations or any other situation in which one is asked to give their name. It needs to be simple enough that you can easily remember and others can pronounce. But it should be a statement of who you are as well (or who you would want to be). Are you an impoverished student? Try a name that exudes wealth, like: Prentice, Thurston, Preston, or Chauncey. Are you shy? Try a more commanding name that would automatically be worthy of respect, if not fear, like: Hunter, Butch, Apollo, or Blaze. The first name is the key, the surname adds the mystery. You may need to try a couple on for size before making your final choice. I am happy to help as I have helped many others with their own moniker.
Life is short and is as enjoyable as one makes it. Does having a coffee shop name really make a difference? Absolutely, if you can commit to it and proclaim it as your own, it will provide seconds (if not minutes) of exhilarating joy. Turn the otherwise drudgery of the impersonal exchange of your next coffee shop visit into an enigma, surrounded by a mystery, wrapped in intrigue. Become the character you find most interesting and give it a shot.
It should go without saying that this only works in a location in which you are not a regular customer. If they are already preparing your drink as you walk through the door, because you are there five days a week it will be less than effective. Find a new place or use it the next time you are traveling. You can thank me later.