This post may seem more like a personal journal entry than a blog post, but I feel that the candor may be helpful to someone else. Often, especially online, we only see the best versions of our friends… The Instagram illusion – everyone is always having fun, doing great, and perpetually happy. I am guilty of this, too. However, my promise to you is always to be honest and direct.
I have been working extremely hard to restore myself to full health, and if you had asked me last month how it was coming, I would have said I was at about 95% there. As a result, I was looking forward to our trip to Europe as the new and improved me. Perhaps, like Pinocchio, I could behave like a real boy: staying up past 9 pm, having a glass of wine with dinner, loosening up on the discipline, and living a little.
Once I recovered from the jet lag (I am incapable of sleeping on a plane), we started in earnest exploring the historic and charming streets of Seville, Spain. The first few days went very well, and I continued my progress in health and vitality that I brought from home. Maybe I was better, I thought.
The primary trip we planned was a Greek cruise we booked a year and a half ago, which has been in the works for about a decade, as we would be traveling with a good friend and his wife. He is Greek and could not wait to show us the country of his parents. After six days in southern Spain, we flew to Athens to begin the next leg of this grand adventure. I was starting to show signs of fatigue at this point and figured that once I got on the ship, I would be able to unwind and snap back.
The first few nights, I didn’t sleep very well, which manifested itself in more fatigue during the day. I was beginning to feel very much like the ruins we were exploring. My best days were behind me, a shell of the old was all that was left, and people came to marvel at what was left. I was dragging, but keeping a good face. At the end of each day, I was exhausted and dropped into bed with a thud, assured that due to my sheer exhaustion and fatigue, I would sleep soundly.
Au contraire. Every night was just as poor as the previous one, and I became discouraged and upset with myself. We had planned this trip for so long, and I had worked so hard to feel better, and each day was filled with the fatigue that was so common for me two or three years earlier.
There had to be an explanation. I started thinking about what the source of my problem could be. The first thing to pop into my mind was that I had reduced the supplements I was taking to just what I thought were the essentials. I didn’t take everything. Perhaps my body really did need everything the doctor recommended. Maybe the essentials included everything. The second thing I considered is that my nervous system was on high alert, even during sleep, and I never got to the restorative sleep that I had at home.
The Garmin device I wear measures sleep, stress, steps, activity, heart rate, and more. I may have mentioned that I have a love/hate relationship with this device, but the data that I am getting is valuable as I craft my recovery program. The stress levels I was experiencing were off the charts compared to my regular days. Even through the night, which was quite maddening.
Obsessing over the high levels of stress certainly didn’t help the cause. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I was upset with myself. I thought only I could be so stressed on a relaxing trip where everything was prepared and planned for me. Every need was met by someone else. It was luxury. But somehow, I could not convince my brain that I was relaxed.
At this point, dear reader, I am not expecting any sympathy. And I am not asking for any. As I mentioned, this is more like a journal entry. Who is going to feel sorry for a guy cruising around the Aegean Sea in the lap of luxury?
Once I accepted the fact that this is my normal, I gave up on worrying about it or trying to fix it, and I just acknowledged it. I would like to say that this acceptance was the key to my turnaround, and upon acceptance, everything worked out. That is not the case. I limped along, did the best I could, and realized that my recovery needs a lot more work.
As you know, I have the biggest trip of my life planned for April: walking the entire Camino de Santiago. This was not lost on me either. Not only would I be out of my element, but I would also need to walk about 18 miles a day for over a month to cover the 500 miles across Spain. Instead of being catered to and cared for, I would be a solitary Pilgrim among thousands of others on the journey.
This reminds me of my college soccer coach. At the beginning of the season, after a particularly grueling midweek practice, he famously said (in his Colombian accent), “Our first game is this Saturday, we must get into shape.” It was a ridiculous notion to turn things around in just a few days. That is how I feel right now. I need to get in shape by April.
I am not as worried about it as you may think. God initiated this desire for me to take this pilgrimage about 25 years ago. I trust that He wouldn’t have created the desire without providing the means to fulfill it.
My takeaways from this trip were several. The most prominent one is that I am not at 95% as I thought, I have a long way to go. My doctor told me several years ago that my recovery is a marathon and not a sprint. Perhaps I am only on mile 16. I need to stay focused on doing everything that will help me progress. Also, I am not a real boy yet. The supplements that I am taking are more essential than I wanted to believe. If continuing with them helps, then that’s just what I will do.
As of this writing, it has been a week since we returned. I am back on track with all my regimens and supplements, and am just now starting to see the improvements back to where I was before. Apparently, I am still a delicate flower and have a way to go.